


No Time For Regrets

by MonikaFileFan



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Cancer Arc, Canon Compliant, F/M, Feelings, Mentions of Scully’s Birthday, UST, birthday gift, light fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 11:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17897696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonikaFileFan/pseuds/MonikaFileFan
Summary: The week before Tempus Fugit, a worried Mulder and a sick Scully find themselves on a library floor in deep conversation. Rare moments of emotional comfort occur and talking isn’t the only thing that happens. Mulder finds Scully a perfect birthday gift.





	No Time For Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: Set pre Tempus Fugit. For the purpose of this story pertaining to Scully’s birthday, let’s just assume she was as sick here as she was just before Gethsemane. 
> 
> If this seems super depressing (more than I had intended) keep reading I promise it gets better, and I’m sorry lol but I think it rings true with what we see happen throughout the rest of S4. 
> 
> There’s love I promise. ❤️
> 
> Thanks to Cultureisdarkbeer for reading this over and telling me it wasn’t awful!

 

“ _Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination: never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.”    Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield_

——

“Please, Scully,” Mulder pleads as he watches her swiftly exit the passenger seat and slam the door. 

Sighing, he shuts off the rental car’s engine and gets out himself. He meets a more than usual stubborn Scully at the local public library doors, arms taut and back stiff. 

Resigned to losing this particular argument, he stands back and takes a good look at her as the evening’s sunset highlights her features. Her usual vibrant copper strands have now taken on a rusty dull auburn. Her alabaster skin looks more pale and gaunt than ever with her once form fitting suit now loosely hanging off her lithe frame. Dark shadows paint half circles under her still fiery blue eyes that bore into his own with determination.

He swallows back the bitter taste of dread and waits patiently for her response. All he receives is two clenched hands gripping her boney hips, pursed lips, and an arched brow that nearly reaches her hairline. Mulder simply nods, reluctantly agreeing to her silent terms and moves to hold the door open for her, but is held back by her fingers grasping at his own. 

“I don’t need to rest, Mulder. I don’t want to waste this… opportunity to just  _ be _ right now.” Scully’s heart pounds in her chest as she tamps down the urge to empty her stomach once again, right there on the library’s front steps. 

They had arrived in the outskirts of lower Michigan on a case three days ago she herself had insisted they take, even after Mulder had more than suggested she catch up on some much needed sleep. Sleep that she knew she’d never really get. A slew of restless nights and the busy schedule she kept in the attempt to avert her mind away from anticipation about her doctor’s appointment, had run her energy level down to empty. But she needed a consistent distraction with recent blood test results looming over her like a black cloud, and that only worked in her favor if she was working too. 

While driving their way back into town to check out of their motel, she’d mumbled over at Mulder to pull over with a hand over her mouth as she was struck with a powerful wave of motion sickness. At least that’s what she told him it was. She had been experiencing bouts of blurred vision and intense shooting pains throughout her forehead all day while they worked their case. That truth was much more difficult to admit aloud. 

“Okay, then. If you’re sure you’re feeling better…” She doesn’t answer with a “yes” because deep down they both know it would be a lie. So a smile and a quick rub of her fingers alongside his is all he gets. He’s grateful for every touch she offers. “And I’d like that, by the way. To just  _ be _ with you right now, too.”

“Then let’s go in where it’s warm,” she nods. “And you know what? I think I might just buy myself a novel series,” she adds sharply while eyeing the book sale sign. There is no attempt to hide the fact that they both know her endeavor at finishing such a task may prove to be too ambitious in the end. 

Scully won’t look him in the eye as she jokes off her sarcasm and it stings Mulder almost as much as the meaning of her words. He can’t lose her, won’t. He feels like at this point, he has never been more desperate for answers in his entire life. And a desperate Mulder, he has learned, is a dangerous one.  

Scully walks through the doorway, oblivious to the festering of his unseen wounds, as he follows close behind with a hand at her back and an ache in his heart. 

——

Scully wanders ahead as Mulder stops at a rack of postcards, bookmarks, and history memorabilia. His elbow bumps into the side and that’s when he sees it swaying under the fluorescent lighting. Picking it up and rolling it around in his fingers, he reads the inscription on the back and grins in delight. 

“That’s my favorite keychain of them all,” the gentle voice of the Librarian calls from behind the counter. “After all, It’s the journey made together that means the most.” 

Mulder nods, squeezing it hard into his palm. “I’ll take it.”

——

The library is quiet and calm. It reminds her of her summers spent reading Anatomy and Physiology books surrounded by air conditioning while enjoying the solitude she was lacking at home. 

She runs her fingers along the curved spines of each book as she casually passes through, absorbing her memories from her childhood and slows as she notices what genre of book she’s actually touching. A warm smile spreads across her face at the thought of Mulder doing the same thing she had done has a young man honing his brilliant mind. 

“There you are,” he announces, brushing her arm. “I never thought I’d find you happily searching through the Science Fiction and Paranormal section. Willing to take a walk on the wild side with me?” She bites her lip, rolls her eyes, and ignores his chuckles. 

“You’re free to take a detour if you want. But I think I’m going to stay on 

the other side of wild for tonight, Mulder.” Allowing herself a smirk at his conflicted expression, she can tell he would really rather not. 

“I’d rather stick with you if you don’t mind a tagalong on this quest of yours.” 

She almost laughs at his play on words and realizes that their own personal quests are forever woven into each other’s. No matter how great or small. “Sounds awfully familiar.”

——

Scully makes her way from shelf to shelf, inspecting the books labeled with price tags. At dusk there are only a few other people sitting down reading in the rural library and the peaceful break from their usual routine should be something Mulder looks forward to, yet the deeper reasoning for the entire visit still churns low in his gut. 

To him, it feels like the calm before a storm. 

Scully reaches for a book that catches her eye and stops abruptly in front of Mulder. “Umph!” she pitches forward and teeters on her toes at the same moment strong arms snake around her front and suck her backward. 

Without thought, Mulder slides one arm around her hips and the other across her ribs, hugging her lithe backside along his front as her tiptoes barely touch the carpet. He feels her ragged breath hitching through her pronounced ribcage beneath his palm, and can tell she’s just as shocked at his affect on her as he is. 

If she falls because of him and decorates her already sensitive skin with one more bruise, he’d feel horrible for days. Just one more tally to add to his mental chart of things to feel horrible about, so Mulder only holds her tighter. 

“Mm, it’s okay,” she hums. All of a sudden, it dawns on him that he’s whimpering against the crown of her citrus smelling head. 

The world spins around him as Scully smooths her hands along his forearms that embrace her. And then it hits him with a force of an unbridled storm, that he is actually  _ holding _ his entire world. 

Mulder forgets himself. Right then, he forgets he’s holding her flush against his chest; forgets he’s nuzzling his nose deep into her hair; forgets he’s thumbing the strip of exposed flesh along her defined waistline; forgets he’s memorizing her—and forgets that he already  _ has _ memorized everything about her. 

Scully finds a way to breathe out his name through her own sudden rise of emotions cresting in her throat. “Mulder?”

“Yeah?” he rasps and blinks himself back to reality.

Instead of admonishment, he receives a soft touch trailing over his grip that rests under her breast, and a slight brush of her cheek along his. 

“It’s okay. I’m still here.” 

Mulder stifles a surging sob as the words “ _ for now _ ” linger like smoke from embers of dwindling flames.

——

They find themselves sitting in a cozy reading corner of the library’s reading room after a few minutes of self-recovery and renewed mask’s of stoicism. 

They sit on the plush carpet together, shoeless with hips touching as Scully runs her fingertips along the shimmering words etched onto the large hardcover book she’s picked out. Never in her life has she chosen a book adorned with more photos than words. But this time, Scully allows herself to indulge in dreams of seeing all the amazing places she will now never be able to experience in person. 

“So,  The 100 Most Underrated Wonders Of The World , huh? Just let me know if you’d like a travel partner. I’ve been known to pack light,” Mulder jests and nudges into her. She grins because she knows exactly how light he packs. Sometimes even forgetting his underwear. 

She places a hand on his thigh as she sets the book across their laps, and her eyes widen, remembering that he is currently commando under the Armani slacks she’s touching. Scully bites her lip at the memory of Mulder’s distressed face as he frantically searches through his suitcase for his missing underwear on their first night spent here. She had actually spat out a cackle and rolled onto his bed in a fit of belly laughter for the first time in seven months. 

“What’re you wearing that sly smile of yours for?”

Eyeing him with an arch of her brow, she tosses back, “wouldn’t you like to know?”

“More than you realize, actually. You keep me guessing more often than not.”

“Good,” she says and strokes the image of the roaring sea on the book’s cover. “As for the book, I’ve always felt that books are a journey of the imagination and since the only travel I do is work related, I couldn’t help but wonder.”

“What it’s like to have a life? My fault, Scully,” he sighs and shakes his head as if to clear his mind. She only scoffs in return and chooses to ignore how wrong he truly is. “Okay so open it up and close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes? Mulder, the whole reason to I chose this book was to  _ see _ the what I can only imagine.”

Clucking his tongue at her, he moves her hand to the edge of the page and says, “close your eyes and flip randomly to a page.” 

It seems silly, considering, but looking at Mulder’s face light up, she feels a rush of excitement herself. As if she were one of those crazy people standing in front of the departure board of flights at the airport, picking at random where they were to travel next. 

“Okay, fine. Let’s see where we go.” She flips the pages and ends on vivid green. “Ring of Kerry, Ireland,” she grins. Ireland is one place she and her family have always wanted to visit. “It’s stunning. Says here, the Irish are some of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet.”

“I’d have to agree with that assessment.”

“I’ll bet,” she huffs recalling Bill Jr’s friendliness level regarding her partner and hides a rising blush. 

“Where to next? Roswell has to be in here somewhere.”

“Let’s hope not.” Scully flutters the pages once again and catches a page with the white sands of Hawaii on it. “Ha of course. Let’s move on to something a little less obvious.”

She turns the page over once and the sight takes her breath away. “Catalina Island, CA,” she mutters.

“I take it you’ve been there before? Your dad?” Mulder grabs her hand and she instantly relaxes under his reassuring touch. “Memories, huh?”

“Yeah. Good ones though. It really is beautiful there. We would all take a trip every summer and go on a weekend sailing escapade,” she sniffs and smiles. “Missy always got sea sick and I was the one stuck holding her hair back while she dangled over the bow.”

“Ah the power of sisterly love…” Mulder trails off and stills as the word “sister” ruminates. 

Scully squeezes his hand again and he says something that surprises her.

“Samantha, Missy, and…”  _ Now you _ , screams within Scully’s mind and she shakes her head at how much the reality of that rings true. 

In a rare moment of honesty, she tells him how she actually feels on the subject of her terminal diagnosis. “Truth is, Mulder, it feels like I’ve been knocking on heaven’s door for awhile. After everything before… Now, it’s like I’m just waiting for someone to answer.”

“Not on my watch, Scully,” he shuts the book and slips over her waist to rest it on the floor. She could see his jaw clenching over and over as he did. Mulder touches her hand and kneads his thumb along her knuckles. “Dammit, don’t you give up on me.” 

The desperate look in his eye and the trembling grip of his hand on hers sends a sharp pang through her heart. She wants to stay and fight the good fight with him, doesn’t want to let him down. But the cancer that she fears will invade her bloodstream sooner rather than later, would have very different plans for their future together. 

“Mulder, I…” She stops herself when she realizes she has nothing truly reassuring to say in order to quell the fear of the most important person in her life.

“I’ll fight anyone, give anything to find a cure. But you—” His voice wavers and he sucks in a shuddering breath as he turns to face her fully. “You have to fight just as hard alongside me. We’re partners. You have my back and have I yours.”

“I know,” she chokes, and can’t hold back the swell of sentiment rushing upward. A lone tear seeps from the corner of her pooling eyes as her chin quivers. She doesn’t have the strength to look away from his swirls of green and gold and finds she doesn’t really want to. 

“I can’t lose you. I’m selfish and needy and admit that I can’t do much without you. And no, I don’t ever want to go back to a time when I did.” She can tell he intends to smirk at his words but his mouth twitches into a frown instead while his eyes flutter shut. Her chest tightens at the sight. “But most of all, I can’t imagine living my life without you in it, standing right by my side. Please, Scully, I just can’t do it.”

She palms his face, melting into him as her heart flickers faster in her chest. “Mulder…”

And then it happens. His arms circle around her, fingers splay out between her shoulder blades, a palm cradles her head as his lips barely wisp over hers. With one hand on his chest and other holding his jaw, Scully presses her lips back into his, soft and slow. The kiss is brief, tender, perfect before she pulls away. 

“Oh, Scully, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I’m sorry—”

“Don’t,” she moves her two fingers across his trembling bottom lip, silently thanking God for the first time in so long for the opportunity to taste him this way. “Don’t be sorry. I’m not. For us, life is just too short to regret; and I don't regret a thing.” The only thing she regrets is facing the day she has to leave him behind.

Mulder nods several times. To himself or herself is something she cannot tell. “Happy Birthday,” he rasps out.

With a haze in her eyes and a tingling on her lips just inches from his face, she smiles. “Mulder, it’s not my birthday yet, and it  _ is _ sort of tradition to forget.”

“There’s a few more days for that to still end up happening,” he whispers closer now, tucking a wayward strand of red behind her ear. “But, that doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate your existence a little early. I  _ forget _ because I’ve learned that time spent with you, Scully, is worth celebrating every day of the year.”

She rolls her eyes. “Just don’t do anything embarrassing if you do remember.” She can’t help but return his playful smirk at the cheesy celebratory line yet hot tears still trickle down her flushing cheeks anyway. 

“That remains to be seen, Scully. Hey, It’s okay to let it out,” he soothes. 

Though she never fully opens herself up to Mulder for a multitude of reasons she just isn’t willing to face towards the end of her life, shying away from the feelings leaking out her eyes just seems pointless anymore. 

Mulder has never seen Scully once cry in regards to her diagnosis in front of him and his stomach tumbles as he witnesses it now. Mulder cradles her face within his hands and swipes away her sorrow. If only he could do that so easily for the cancer slowly taking her away from him. 

Hope that one day soon he will do just that is the only thing keeping him from falling apart completely. 

He leans in further, brushing his nose against the curve of her damp cheekbone. “What do you say I buy you this book and we find the closest  _ Wonder Of The World _ and go there tomorrow? We can just  _ be _ in one of the most beautiful places on Earth.” 

She sighs with a slight shake of her head, grateful now more than ever for her best friend. Pulling back and answering softly, “I don't need to go anywhere else. That’s not what I need right now.”

“What do you need from me, Scully?” 

With her chin in his hand, she stares unblinking and is as sure with her abiding words as her unwavering adoration for him. “Kiss me, Mulder. Just kiss me.” 

Denying Scully nothing, Mulder deeply and passionately covers her mouth with his, lips sliding against one another’s. Scully pulls at the nape of his neck, urgently gripping a fist full of his dress shirt and she moans, low and long. Mulder hugs her tightly and tilts her head back further, looming over her arching back to allow their tongues to perfect their dance of desperation. His heart races faster with every flick of her tongue against his. 

They keep on kissing, tasting one another’s salty tears as time continues to hasten the inevitable. 

Time is what they need the most; and time is the one thing they do not have nearly enough of. 

_ Yet _ , Mulder hopes despairingly as their lips eventually retreat from one another to become their own again. Mutual expressions of love felt and unsaid are shared, clothes are straightened, and hair is smoothed. By tomorrow, their time spent in comforting intimacy together within the walls of this musty old library will have been pushed to the wayside. 

“We-we should go now,” Scully clears her throat and stands, composing herself now as she wistfully re-shelves the travel book. She wants to say here, in this illusion of tranquility and comfort, letting herself believe she might actually make it to the Ireland or even Catalina Island someday. Blinking away thoughts and remaining images of Mulder’s face caressing hers, she tucks her blouse back in as she slowly does the same with her raging emotions. 

Scully feels Mulder’s gaze assessing her from where he remains hunched at her feet. She takes comfort in the knowledge that they both understand what another day brings for them in maintaining their status quo. Regardless of the now obvious intricate feelings for one another. 

The most important things between them are to be left unspoken for now, but not forgotten. 

For Mulder, time may be an universal invariant, but so is his love for Scully. 

He watches her swipe harshly at her cheek as she begins to walk away from him. And he knows for certain if a miracle cure born of evil from a Smoking Man who’s threatened the life of the most important person in his life exists, then Mulder is willing to risk a dance with the devil to find it.

——

__  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is fuel so please let me know if you liked it or not and why. I appreciate it everytime. 🥰 
> 
> I tried to be as IC as I could with this one.


End file.
